COVID Long Hauler: Are we out of the woods?

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods?

Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet?

Are we in the clear yet?

“Out of the Woods” by Taylor Swift  resonates so much with me, mainly the chorus, especially right now.

I remember my first symptom: tingling thighs. Then came the onset of a burning, searing feeling every time I touched my skin. I knew that despite being vaccinated and boosted, plus wearing a mask everywhere, following all the other protocols, covid decided it was my time.  

After a considerate amount of time in bed and isolation, my symptoms improved to some degree, but I have never felt the same since. It’s incredibly difficult to explain all the waxing and waning symptoms that I have come to realize now are part of the “long-hauler” crew. 

My life has been re-visiting the medical circuit from panels of blood tests to EKG’s to make sure my little ticker is working the way it should.  

I’m exhausted. 

I know I am not alone, but I feel it often. The onset of depression hasn’t faded. Some days it gets pretty bad and I ask myself, what did I do wrong in this life to have this happen to me? My eyes fill with tears and I start to sob uncontrollably. I am told the answer though, I just have to get out of my emotional pain and accept the reality; It’s how life unfolds, no one is punishing me, I just exist.  The biopsychosocial model also has a lot of insight too.

I’ve been pretty quiet over on social media. I scroll through my feed maybe once a day, but I can’t really muster the desire to be more interactive.  Did anyone really want to read my social media posts about how I crave the day where I can maybe walk more than 5 minutes without my heart beating out of my chest or not having to sit in silence because certain sounds feel like it is penetrating through my skull? Doubtful.

After doing a lot of research, the link between Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Covid Long Haulers seems to have a connection. I was diagnosed many years ago with CFS, but it feels like it is just an umbrella term for many other overlapping conditions that leave many patients like me, without clear answers. Where can I get help?

It’s pretty scary at times with all the different symptoms, sometimes happening for days, other times, just a few hours. There is no consistency which is the hardest and most frustrating part of it all.

While I’m out here baring my soul, I also have PTSD.  As much happiness as I have had, I’ve also had considerable bouts of traumatic events that led to my diagnosis.  Another debilitating illness that waxes and wanes, but up until now, I was managing relatively well. I'm struggling now with it.

I’ve also refrained from saying much about what I’ve been going through, as I know a lot of stigma comes out from being “unwell”, but keeping it all in is truly hurting more than helping.  

I am very thankful to have people in my life who may not exactly understand what I'm going through, but support me in whatever ways they can. 

We all have our stories, I felt it was time to share another chapter of mine, and if you read up to this point, thank you.

Trauma Beyond the Trenches: Q&A with Author Aaron Lee Marshall

There’s no better time like the present to connect with people, to share stories and to find strength and hope.  Let me introduce you to Aaron Lee Marshall, a Purple Heart war veteran who served 452 days on Active Duty during Operation Iraqi Freedom II as a Military Police Officer in Baqubah, Iraq. 

Aaron’s book Baqubah: Bones & Blood is a vast collection of recordings, notes, emails, letters, memories and dreams. It is a compelling look at what trauma looks like through the eyes of a modern-day soldier. 

Below is a Q&A that I did with Aaron, talking about his journey before, during and after his time served.

Aaron and  his adorable rescue dog from Louisiana, King Peter

1. What made you enter the military life and as some would say “serve your country”?

I wanted to be a Marine when I was a kid. I even still have a picture in crayon from when I was 5 that says “to be Marine” under a crudely drawn picture of a marine saluting in dress blues. I had asthma though, so to get into any branch, I had to hide that fact which was something I really had to practice at trying to control. When I was finally old enough to join, I did some research into the running requirements of each branch and the marines had a faster run requirement. I needed as much time as possible, in case I had an asthma attack and needed to stop running. I ended up joining the army instead. I also was in college majoring in philosophy when the twin towers came down. That had a profound effect on me.

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2. We watch heart-breaking tv/movies on the topic of war, where the director will put their own spin on it. Can you think of any shows or films that really encapsulate the true reality of war?

I think Saving Private Ryan is the gold standard but there are so many more now. I don’t watch war movies anymore though so I’m not the best authority on that. From tv and movies, the most real ones are usually the moments that they do get right and remind you of something that happens. It’s the strangest thing. 

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3. In military, and please correct me if I’m wrong, it is often a necessity to “break” a soldier down at the beginning so they will become fully compliant to their troop leaders. Did you experience or witness any of these tactics?

Absolutely, but there is a lot of wiggle room in what that looks like and what actually works. Love works I can tell you that. The drill instructors that really cared and took the time to show me the smaller details of being a soldier has been one of the things that has always stuck with me. No matter where you go in life, people are going to break down. Sometimes all around you. In the army, it’s just a threshold you have to cross on your own. I joined a military fraternity Phi Beta Upsilon, before I joined the army, so boot camp was honestly a breeze. Being hazed was far worse. 

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4. After surviving what you went through, tell me some things now in everyday life that brings you joy?

Oh man, where to start! My kids, my wife, Red Bull, autumn in New England, poetry, Ralph Waldo Emerson, music, movies and books. The list is infinitely long now that I’m sober and in long term recovery. I play guitar and sing some days. Other times, I paint. Life is good. There is always something that I’m passionate about to look forward to. 

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5. Here in Canada, mental health is a topic that still holds some stigma, but we have a lot of great organizations that help support a wide demographic. I know that in the United States things are different especially with the complexity of your healthcare system, but what kind of supports are in place for you now? Also, what changes do you want to see?

Our biggest support in the United States is each other. And by that I mean every veteran of any branch can lean on one another for support and in my experience, it’s the most fulfilling brotherhood that exists. There are so many changes that need to happen. A good start is giving out information and classes to new recruits in boot camp instead of having them be blindsided by the truth after it’s too late.

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6. Do you have any future book endeavours in mind? If so, what subjects will you be delving into?

I’m constantly working on projects. I am redoing two poetry books with updated editions and more bonus content. I’m still playing guitar everyday and working on music, so maybe a book about music at some point. But right now it’s poetry I’m focusing on and learning Latin. Plutarch didn’t learn how to read and write in Latin until he was 40. I’m 38 ,so that gives me a lot of motivation. He’s one of my hero’s. I also collect old dictionaries Ainsworth, Johnson, Hooper, Worcester, and Webster, of course. I love finding old, cool and interesting words and I’d love to make my own dictionary some day.

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Thanks so much Aaron for taking time to share a bit more of your history with me and your book. As a PTSD’er myself (though non-war related), sometimes just getting through those tough days make us a hero in our own stories.

While overseas, Marshall earned the Purple Heart for wounds received in battle and the ARCOM with Valor.

💜You can find Aaron's book at Barnes & Noble or Lulu. 

💜Follow him on Instagram and Facebook

Whether you or a loved one is dealing with a crisis or on-going mental health condition, additional support is available at the following links below:

USA:  https://nami.org/

Canada https://cmha.ca/

Worldwide: https://www.ispn-psych.org/mental-health-links

The Many Faces of PTSD: Stéphane Beaudin Speaks Out

 Curled up around his shoulders is Stéphane's "Angel" cat Léopold.
"He knows my schedule, and waits for me by the door.
He sits next to the tub while I take a shower and lays beside me at night."

We have all experienced traumas in our life, from a sudden illness that knocked us off our feet for a while, to dealing with some level of abuse from loved ones or even friends. Other times, we take on jobs or embark in careers that come with high amounts of stress or where one has to look death straight in the eye on a regular basis. Over time, we heal. However, some of us don’t and that’s where it gets complicated.

Try functioning “normally” with sleep-deprivation, agitation, feeling disconnected from your own body and thoughts. All those strange and usual sensations can inhibit your ability to have a fulfilling relationship or even find decent employment. Your support system can also wax and wane, leaving you feeling very isolated. These symptoms and much more can go on for days, months or even years.

Say hello to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I would like to introduce you to Montreal-born, Stéphane Beaudin. He’s just your average guy, loves his family, full of community-spirit, and has a soft spot for political advocacy. What you don’t know is that Stéphane has a shadow that looms over him and that shadow is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (otherwise known short form as PTSD).

Stéphane has lived a tumultuous life, moving from Montreal to Windsor at a very young age, dealing with abusive relationships, bouts of poverty and more than most people could wrap their heads around. Although there were some very dark days (thankfully manageable now), these circumstances have not stopped him from fighting hard to overcome the hold that PTSD tries to grip many of our lives.

Below is my Q&A with Stéphane. 

1. Our society seems to be on stress-overload, yet it’s pretty amazing how some people are able to manage and are more resilient, while others just cannot cope and encounter debilitating anxiety and struggle with mental health conditions. When was the moment you realized that you were out of control and PTSD was taking over your life?

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I’d have to say there were many indicators that I ignored for a long time. As a child, my step-fathers were very authoritarian and abusive. I was regularly “punished” for things as simple as leaving a glass on the counter. When people did things that were “against the rules,” I would fly into a rage, especially if they were not “punished” as I was. I’m not saying this on-going abuse was the only cause of my PTSD, but it surely didn’t help.

At 17 years old, I was enlisted into the Army. My mom signed me up and I was a tank driver, and armoured reconnaissance. I was trained to locate and destroy enemy targets. During a training exercise, on of my Captains who recently got back from Serbia started to display mental health problems and became very unstable. He ended up by accident, injuring me. I decided after that incident I would become a medic. I wanted to help people like him transition back to regular life. I guess that’s when I realized what I was going through and when the healing began.

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2. What barriers have you faced in your professional and every day life and on the flip side, what strengths have you gained with having this diagnosis? 

No one knew until now what I was going through, and still dealing with on a daily basis. As one friend put it, “I put on a good show,” to which I reply, “fake it till you make it!”

It’s been a while since I left the army, but I still think like a soldier. I can’t let it get the best of me... that’s reserved for my family and friends.

I have lost good paying jobs and people sometimes think that I’m just an awkward guy trying to make friends. Truth be told, yes I am a little awkward, but that’s not always necessarily a bad thing. I do get discouraged sometimes and shut down, or become self damaging. As soon as I start to notice this pattern, I tell myself to do the opposite of what I want to do. It does help, but I find reaching out to my few close friends can really make a big difference.

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3. What are the most troubling symptoms that still occur for you and how do you deal with them?

Here’s where it gets a little dark, but this is the reality of living with PTSD. I tried to hurt myself. Not once, not twice, but three times.

First time was at the age of 16. I tried to hang myself. Before I did it, I said to myself that if there is a reason for me being here tell me now. There was no reply but the rope snapped. The second time, was a repeat of the first and happened in my early 20’s. During my third and final attempt, my cat Léopold ended up saving me. I actually hated cats, but obviously from this experience, I feel different. This little guy will be 14 years old this year. He is truly my angel.

On the days when I feel hopeless and worthless, like I can’t do anything, l I think about that day, as well as my wife and kids. It helps me get through.

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4. People who suffer with PTSD often describe some of their sensations like a TV remote that is constantly switching channels in their brain. The painful memories can often be distorted yet feel like the encounters are happening all over again. What kind of strategies do you use when you are having an attack? 

You’re right. For me, it’s like a TV show where I’m the star... the ratings are bad and some of the episodes should have never aired, but they are there, and I am playing it out, over and over again.

I found taking up different hobbies helps. Anything to get out of your head. I love gardening, and wine-making. I also like painting and enjoy volunteering my time. Of course, physical activity is really important for me, so going to the gym to workout and maintaining a proper diet really does wonders.

Another step is having someone to talk to when you see the dark cloud coming. For me, Léopold fits that category. He’s a good listener and doesn’t want to compare battle scars.

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5. What is one misconception about PTSD that you would like to put to rest? 

Well, it’s not just first responders that suffer from PTSD. The average person who has never even been to battle can suffer. We don't always need to be medicated, we need proper outlets to deal with it.

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6. What makes life worth living for you? 

My wife and kids are my world. I feel blessed to have them in my life. I will also include other family, like my aunts, uncles, siblings and parents. As I stated above, my hobbies (yup, I love my wine! Lol) and Léopold hold dear to my heart.

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Thank you Stéphane for opening up and sharing your journey with PTSD. I hope that others will have the courage and strength to keep fighting like you have in your life.

If you or a loved one is in crisis or require help in the Windsor-Essex County area, please contact any of the following:

https://windsoressex.cmha.ca/

https://www.hdgh.org/crisis

https://www.hdgh.org/transitionalstabilitycentre

Healing Through Neuro Biofeedback

A single red tulip stands alone. Photo by Melissa Arditti.

Lucy disappeared for a while, but now she is back. It was a little disheartening, but therapy of any sort can be very draining, both on the physical and emotional level.

As much as she wanted to tell me about all the progress she was making, those feelings were stuck and it was only this week that she contacted me and mentioned that she was ready to chat with me about her on-going experiences with Neuro Biofeedback.

Twenty-five sessions have been completed now. After starting off at two times per week, and then once a week, Lucy is now going for treatment once every two weeks.

The gradual decrease in sessions needed to be monitored closely because this is not a therapy that you just quit cold turkey. It can be very detrimental and so it was agreed upon that this would be the next step.

Once the autumn season rolls around, Lucy feels confident that once a month will be enough. This gives her the opportunity to receive not only the psychological assistance by talking about any conflicts that go on and how to deal with them effectively, but also incorporate the customized program, and work on her elevated brain activity levels of functioning with eyes closed.

Specifically, there have been some big improvements in a few areas of her life; one of those involving sleep.
We all know that if we don’t get a significant amount of restful sleep per night, we are groggy and irritable, and our energy levels are depleted. Caffeine only takes us so far and then we crash. Think of someone who has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), along with general anxiety; this makes a pleasant sleep virtually impossible because the mind does not want to shut off.

However, there is a meditative state that Lucy feels when she is working on her program that calms her nerves, if not right away, then within a few trials. The annoying ‘racing brain’ seems to be at a pace that is tolerable now.

Lucy has been feeling pretty well, most days. Her anxiety has reduced in a significant way, which was shown through the brain activity on the screen, and she hasn't had a full-blown panic-attack for months. Sure, she still does have some crying spells and those pesky triggers, but she can get through them much easier now.

“I like waking up most days where I am not drenched in sweat from nightmares or anxiety. Feeling like my heart is beating through my chest and having visible shakes because of stress is one of the worst feelings ever,” she said.

The Neuro Bio-Feedback center is amazing here in Windsor, and I can’t help but tell more people about it. Of course, they are skeptical, and rightfully so, but aside from various studies that are favourable to this method of therapy, the proof for me remains in the changes that I see with my own eyes.

People with mental illness often feel isolated from the rest of the world, so amongst the beautiful yellow tulips, a single red tulip stands alone. This unique perspective can be turned into a positive image though that represents how we can embrace our life circumstances, no matter how difficult they may be.

I will leave you with a quote that says a lot about how powerful inner and outer transformation can be with the right support.

“It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.” – Richard Evans

Neuro Biofeedback: A Blessing For The Brain

If you have been following my exclusive series on Neuro Biofeedback, we’re now at the stage with Lucy where she is going through actual treatment. She has needed some time in between sessions to rest, and so I have been patient, while still staying supportive from afar.

It’s quite amazing to watch brain waves fluctuate on screen, during a Neuro Biofeedback session. Sitting in front of a computer with electrodes attached to your scalp doesn't seem like the most comfortable feeling in the world, but in fact, once you do it a few times, it becomes routine. Lucy knows the drill now, so when she arrives, there are no surprises. After setting up, Lucy is able to discuss any events that have caused issues for her since the last time she had a session, or the psychologist may want to delve into a subject that has previously caused distress, in hopes of releasing pent up feelings. Lucy told me that “It’s really helpful to use talk-therapy in conjunction with bio-feedback because then I can just fully relax and get in sync with the program.” She told me though that “talking about my past trauma’s is still very difficult and there is a box of Kleenex that is set out for me because even to this day, the stuff I thought I was properly dealing with still seem to be impacting my present life.”

After a bit of talking, a bunch of buttons are clicked and adjustments are made, and she’s good to go with the brain activities. Someone is always present (one of the two psychologists, they rotate depending on schedules) to ensure her comfort, and to monitor progress or any changes that need modification. The main goal is to reduce the heightened brain wave activity in the theta/beta range for Lucy and going on her 7th sessions now, it has reduced her anxiety dramatically. “When my time is up, I feel a sense of calmness that I haven’t experienced in a long time and it is starting to last longer and longer. I am even sleeping better without waking up drenched in sweat.”

As stated in my last article, every program is customized to meet the needs of the individual, based on the brain mapping results. During a single session, Lucy is given several breaks for a few minutes because it’s important to give the brain a rest in these circumstances, instead of doing trial after trial. Without giving too much away here, Lucy’s tasks involve trying to lower her brain wave pattern activity as much as possible by focusing and also listening to certain sound patterns, both with her eyes open and closed. If you came into the room while she was in a session, you’d wonder why she is just staring hypnotically at a screen, but there is constant brain activity happening on deeper levels.

Although Lucy is still experiencing episodes of panic and anxiety, I can tell just by talking to her that she is making huge strides. She did have a little bit of a set back a few nights ago where she recalls, “it was like a terrifying moment where I just felt so dizzy and fearful that I had to leave the situation, but instead of beating myself up about it like I would before, I just realized that this is a temporary glitch and I am safe now.”

With her medical coverage just about to run out, Lucy realizes that there are going to be some tough times ahead, but she is confident that this was a better investment than anything else. Knowing that many people are facing similar issues, a reduced rate will be discussed next time she’s in, which is so hopeful for not just Lucy, but anyone who is considering Neuro Biofeedback, who cannot afford the high cost of these treatments. There is a lot of time that is put into every patient’s experience and so accountability for the psychologists services are a must, but it’s great to know that they have a human side too and realize that with government cuts and only a small portion of money aside from insurance companies, accommodations can be made. “I am not considered mentally ill enough to be put on disability, but I’m not well enough either to function like I see people my age, so before knowing this, I felt kind of like a rock stuck in a hard place.”

Lucy has begun to blossom into the woman that I knew was underneath all the pain. It’s not an easy road, especially with so many dissolving friendships along the way, but her core support system has been unwavering. When I asked her what she sees in the mirror now when she looks at herself, Lucy tells me “I see the beauty that comes after the breakdown.”

Neuro BioFeedback: Mind On The Matter

Last week Lucy had her Neuro-Bio Feedback testing and this week she went to get her results. It was a rather eye-opening experience to learn so much about her brain and the way she is currently functioning. Presented to all company at the session, was a binder filled with pages of brain activity images and information on what the tests revealed. Everything was explained in great detail and included many real-life examples, since some of the information was very technical and comprehension can be varied between individuals.

So it is clear that Lucy’s symptoms correlate very well with the results of the brain mapping. There is no doubt that she has been under tremendous stress and although many people can just bounce back after a trauma, severity and duration play huge factors. “I feel like I've been traumatized for a very long time and it just took one more event to send me over the edge.” It’s interesting to note that Lucy had excellent functioning in certain areas of the brain, while other parts had impairment, or rather over activity. Lucy told me that “It was a relief to know that I’m not totally broken, I just need some tweaking.”

Below I will highlight some of the points that were discussed in the session. It was over 2 hours long, and so I've tried to compile the main ideas. Keep in mind that everyone’s results will differ, but certain patterns of behaviour are evident when you suffer from mental distress.

Brain Mapping show 3 basic ranges: under activity, normal activity, and hyper activity

There are 4 different types of brain waves:

Alpha – these waves are emitted when we are in a state of physical and mental relaxation, although still aware of what is happening around us. Frequencies are around 7 to 13 pulses per second.

Beta- these waves are emitted when we are consciously alert, or when we feel agitated, tense and afraid. Frequencies range from 13 to 60 pulses per second

Theta – a state of drowsiness (otherwise known as somnolence) with reduced levels of consciousness. More or less 4 to 7 pulses per second.

Delta – when there is unconsciousness, deep sleep emits between 0.1 and 4 cycles per second.

*Lucy had quite a bit of hyper activity in the theta, which corresponded to the rear part of her brain. This translates to the idea that when she wakes up in the morning, since theta is relative to sleep and there is a lot of hyper activity going on, she can feel symptoms of panic and agitation.

• The computer program filters out noise and unwanted frequencies to focus on problem areas and to obtain the most accurate results
• Results are compared to people Lucy’s age, who have complete healthy brain functioning in all areas
• Obtaining reliability (measuring consistency) and validity (measures accuracy) are always at the forefront of this type of research.
• Every Neuro-BioFeedback program is customized based on individual results.

So how does Neuro BioFeedback help in getting, what is known as the “dysregulated” parts of the brain, back to optimal regulatory levels?

During the actual sessions for Lucy, less EEG is used on the head now that areas of concern are pinpointed.

It was described as if you are watching a bar graph (once connected to the computer) which will show the elevated levels. The main focus is to trying to bring the bar down. During Lucy’s session, she was given an example. If you want to touch a table, you basically envision doing so and then do it. Whether you actually touch it or not is irrelevant to the point, it is the envisioning that remains the same and that is what is being worked on, in essence.

According to the doctor, Lucy needs around 25 sessions of Neuro BioFeedback, which will be done twice a week, for 1 hour each and then tapered to once a week, for 1 hour each. She is going to start off with 10 sessions, and see how she feels. When I asked Lucy her thoughts, she told me that “It’s a big investment, both mentally and financially, but I want to get better, so if that at least gets my life somewhat normal again, I would be thrilled. I have such support from my loved ones too, so that makes a world of difference.” With the economy the way it is, as well as her own mental health, she’s just been doing odd jobs here and there, so the financial commitment will definitely tighten up the household’s belt a lot more now.

Neuro-BioFeedback therapy is rather expensive, and insurance plans only cover a certain amount and then you’re on your own. It’s a tough call for people who want the help but cannot afford the high price tag, but it has been proven to work. It is paving the way for many individuals to get their psychological well being in order, without always relying on medication. Children with ADD/ADHD are especially great candidates and success rates have been high.

Lucy’s story is not unfamiliar. There are thousands of people here in Windsor, Ontario who are suffering from a variety of illnesses and are left undiagnosed or sadly, misdiagnosed. The impact felt when you cannot function is strong, as I learned by going with Lucy to her meeting. Family, relationships, careers, and of course the actual self are in jeopardy and so it is amazing to know that we have a service like Neuro BioFeedback.

Realistically speaking, both Lucy and I realize that there are no guarantees and her anxiety may never fully go away. What we both hope though is that through these sessions, she will learn to control her anxiety, stress, painful memories, and move forward in her life as a confident, successful and more relaxed human being. “I just want to reduce my stress, I know that life is not always happy….I just never thought it would be this sad for me.”

Neuro Biofeedback: Mapping The Brain

Talking to Lucy the night before she was going in for her Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG), she was relatively calm. Washing her hair with baby shampoo, as advised, brought her back to a time where she truly felt nurtured. “I felt like I was a new-born baby, being gently caressed and protected, without a care in world,” stated Lucy.

The next day, I was out of the house around 8:30 am to meet up with Lucy for her appointment at 9 am. I must say that having staff that are friendly can make a world of difference, especially to those who suffer from a variety of conditions. The simple “hello” is often taken for granted and I wish that more places were so reassuring and caring. The receptionist had a smile on her face and even though she could have been having the most miserable start to her day, she treated Lucy like a person, not just another number. It was awesome to see.

So what is QEEG? Digital technology is used to measure electrical patterns at the surface of the scalp (called brain mapping), not the structure (like in an EEG), which reflect cortical electrical activity or what is known as “brain waves.”

In a nutshell, it’s an assessment tool that clinicians use to detect and identify areas of dysregulation in a person’s brain. So if you’re suffering from sleep problems, emotional or even behavioural difficulties, this helps to understand the cause of symptoms and ultimately puts a plan of action in place to get you back on track.

Next, a full statistical analysis is done comparing the person’s brain wave profile to the norm for his/her age and gender. This is where stats is handy and the dreaded course that everyone wants to avoid taking at university. However, in this scope of work, it’s a must.

The concept is interesting and according to Lucy, all the electrodes that were hooked up to her head, “made her feel like Frankenstein’s monster.” She also said that, “we joked about putting my photo on Facebook.”

When I asked Lucy about any discomfort, she said that it wasn’t painful at all, the baby shampoo just allowed for the electrodes to activate and function on the screen properly, since any other shampoo contains problematic chemicals that could interfere. She just had to follow some specific tasks, but a majority of the process kept her in a relaxed state.

It also helped that she was told what would go on every step of the way, a little background history on the procedure, and of course, some comic relief to lighten the mood. If she needed to stop for any reason, she was welcomed to. With two clinicians in the room making sure everything was accurate and running smoothly, the whole session took about an hour. “It’s great to find people who genuinely want to see me get better,” said Lucy.

After the session, Lucy seemed to be in fine spirits. Unfortunately, her post-traumatic stress seems to come back at very random times. Sometimes it’s the abuse she suffered from for countless years, other times, it’s the medical trauma she’s endured. It takes a toll on her physical and mental wellbeing, not to mention her loved ones.

“I keep trying to push forward and not let all these memories consume me, but sometimes it’s a losing battle and I just want to scream, but the only thing I can do is cry,” she says.

It took quite a few days to settle her down and so I wanted to give her all the support and time she needed. She’s still pretty on edge in general, but trying to do her best to realize that she’s not going to be abandoned and no matter what, as Maroon 5′s song goes, “She will be loved.”

It takes several hours to analyse the results and then compile everything for discussion, so Lucy will be back next week to figure out the results and where to go from here.

Neuro-Minded: Insight into Neuro-Biofeedback

Have you ever felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders? For many people, this statement can be taken to heart. Problems exist in everyday life and some may be as insignificant as a hang nail or be as catastrophic as a terrible life-changing accident. Most view stress as simply an inconvenience and have the ability to move on. They can go grocery shopping with ease, have regularly scheduled medical appointments, socialize with friends, and even travel.

However, there is a darker side to stress that cripples both the body and mind. It eats away at reality and harbours the most painful memories, to the point where functioning is grossly impaired. Sometimes you’re okay and no one would ever suspect you had an issue, and other times, for no apparent reason, you’re whipped into a mind-set of uncontrollable fear and panic that takes over. You try and stop it by using all the different techniques, but nothing helps and so when the episode finally ends, all you want to do is cry because of how physically and emotionally exhausted you feel inside.

Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder is real and not an imaginary condition. It’s not an illness that only war veterans suffer from, it could plague your neighbour, parent, sibling, or even your partner. With the amazing advances in modern medicine, Neuro-Biofeedback is a technique used by many professionals to help people who suffer from a wide range of conditions and it is available here in in many places, including my home town of Windsor, Ontario. Many doctors are proponents of this form of therapy and have seen great results from their patients, along with psychological counselling, and without the long-term use of medication (which often can be more harmful because of the nasty side effects).

I am fortunate to bring my readers some insight into this procedure, by following a woman through Neuro-Biofeedback. To preserve her dignity, she has asked me not to disclose her name, due to the fact that she is worried that she’ll lose any chance of gaining future employment, and the stigma it will bring to her older children/family, since not everyone understands and may see her in a negative light.

However, she was touched that I reached out to her and I have committed myself to documenting her progress until her sessions are done. So, we came up with the name of “Lucy,” named after icon Lucille Ball, whom she admires greatly. She’s excited, yet a little nervous to be sharing, but feels happy for a chance to get her life back on track. I also note that you’ll be able to get an idea of what goes on, but the main purpose is the content you will read from her personal feelings after each session. If you are interested in the actual barebones, it makes sense to book a consultation with someone who specializes in this form of therapy.

So what’s next? Lucy washes her hair with baby shampoo to get ready for her first “brain-mapping” session.

Stay tuned.

Recovery Process: 12 Weeks At Beaumont Hospital

Yesterday marked my 12 weeks at Beaumont Hospital

From a physical standpoint, I still do have pain, but it's less than when this ordeal first started. My day consists of doing many different exercises that will help with the healing process. I'm not taking any medications, except for one muscle relaxant before bedtime. I am armed with knowledge, learning more about my body and many things I can do to lead a well-balanced life. The weekly counselling/physiotherapy is helping a lot too. My Beaumont team is so awesome and supportive! No wonder they are ranked again as one of the best hospitals in so many fields, including Urology.

My life has really begun to change, although thinking about it, I guess our lives are constantly changing each and every day. However, instead of trying to forget my past, i'm in the process of finally dealing with it, and coming to terms with everything i've buried deep within me for as long as I can remember. It hurts, it is exhausting but I know I have to do this.

I look at my body and the scars remind me that I survived, but my heart doesn't quite heal as fast. I thought forgetting everything would be my salvation and I could just deal with the present but it caused more harm. So it was a valuable lesson to learn and one to try not to repeat and to always remember that "I am human and i need to be loved, just like everybody else does." I'm not exactly sure of what the term love actually means to me now. I guess the feeling of acceptance and safety as well as respect, all encompasses the term.

Although it's going to be a long road for me, I am making progress. I've never really been a hare, i've always been the tortoise.



This flower that bloomed in the garden at home represents
my ultimate goal of feeling whole again.

Patient Advocacy: My Health Matters Too

I have come to the realization that bad things do happen to good people as much as on the contrary, good things happen to those who have caused us harm.

I cannot even really begin to explain my feelings of how devastated it is to be cast away by the people who you put your faith in, especially when it comes to your health. When you are sick or supposedly diagnosed with an illness, you never really expect them to start playing Russian roulette with your life.

Due to incompetence and attitude of "it's not my problem" recent events escalated to the breaking point. My voice needed to be heard and in my heart, I know that if my father was not a lawyer and did not put his law initials beside the very first complaint letter, chances are we would be stored away in a pile that would be sorted at random on a secretary's desk.

Regardless of the outcome now, I really wanted to share with the Chief of Staff of the hospital what I have been going through for the last year and to ask himself the question of what lengths he would go to if this was happening to his child. That point in itself hit home and I could see some empathy. The 6 page letter including documentation of all the events leading up to the meeting showed that something has to be done so other people might not suffer as terribly as I have, physically and especially mentally. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, something I never thought I would be dealing with on top of everything else, but it is now my reality as I re-live these experiences every day. 

The actual details of what went on and whether I have been misdiagnosed was not the main reason for the meeting, and why I am not posting the entire 6 pages.

It's this part below of the letter which is most important to me and so I wanted to share it with everyone:

A doctor of any sort, including a specialist needs to be trained on how to communicate effectively with their patients. If someone is an expert in his/her field but cannot effectively deal properly with a patient, they are doing others more harm than they actually realize and even causing further damage to their own reputation.

I would not want anyone to go through what I have and so I am advocating for major change to happen with all doctors, regardless of their expertise or ranking in the hospital system. I understand how busy everyone is, and the lack of funding and all the other obstacles. However, after going through this ordeal, the time it would take to do some mandatory compassionate training a couple times a year would make a world of difference. Doctors need to be put in the patient's shoes to have a better understanding on how to talk to them. Meetings like this would not have to take place which waste valuable energy and time of all parties involved. More effort and support can be spent on the most important part of what doctors and hospitals should be caring about; the patient's physical and equally important, their emotional wellbeing.
*****

I'd like to say that I have a new specialist now who so far has demonstrated to myself and my family care and compassion, something that I strongly believe that a mandate should always hold true to with no exceptions.

Although right now in my life, I am still going through a lot of unknowns, I have some hope and comforted by the fact that I am at least being treated with R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Thanks for reading.

The Beginning of Healing

ying yang - the balance of life

Well this is my first official blog and you may be wondering why on earth I would start it on January 6, 2009 instead of the beginning of the New Year. I guess today’s events which I will fill you in about soon enough, provoked that urge to start one.

So my question to everyone reading this: is love like a piece of Doublemint gum? In front of me, I have a piece of spearmint gum. It’s wrapped up perfectly in its packaging, without a single fray to the edge, tear or crease along the paper. When I pick it up, I gently bring my nose close and sniff. The mint aroma is quite potent and even a little overpowering at first, but the idea of chewing a fresh, new piece of gum is quite exhilarating. The touch of the foil between my fingers feels like a sensation I’ve never even experienced before. I open it up enthusiastically, popping that single piece into my mouth, hoping that it will last forever.

As I’m chewing, I’ll tell you that my day started out just fine and you know that feeling when you are in a good mood, suddenly you get this unexpected surprise that just completely knocks the wind out of you? Well, that's probably an understatement of how I felt until I opened up the newspaper to be greeted by a face I never thought I would have to see again.

Maybe I could say that I felt like a child realizing that Santa Claus actually didn’t exist and their mother or father was actually the one eating those cookies and warm milk. Damn all those carefully constructed letters to the North Pole! 

I don’t know how to explain it properly or exactly how I felt, but at that moment, all the hurt just came flooding back to me. I know that my healing process has been considerable and if only the spirits were kind enough to give me a fair warning so I could have prepared! I guess the joke was on me. Haha…

My original piece of gum that was really soft and making my mouth happy is now getting a bit more difficult to chew and I’m needing to use way more effort now to get the same feeling I had before. It can’t go away this quickly.

So I think I was mentioning that I was dreaming and what I saw was clearly a figment of my imagination, right? I only wish. It was smack dab right in front of me and I just tore up the paper into a million pieces in a sudden fit of rage and threw it in the garbage.

The effort I was using for this gum is not helping much but I continue to chew, hoping it will get better with time. The minty flavour will return, it has to, I’ll just try harder.

After that brief shock, I was able to actually take some time away and have a plentiful lunch. Carbs are a girl’s best friend, screw the diamonds. I’m an emotional eater but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still around.

Then the paranoia set in of will I actually see them in person now? Maybe I shouldn’t ever leave the house again to avoid feeling the pain. I could just have meals delivered to me, shop online for necessities and do distance education classes. Then I had a second to realize how absurd I’m being.

Unrequited love is painful but this went way beyond anything in my wildest dreams, or rather nightmares.

My gum is now stale and I’m ready to toss it away. It kills me to even remember those good moments of chewing, so I rather forget it all. I just want to get rid of this gum for good. I’m happy that I have switched brands, and have the potential of finding a new flavour even. Opening up a new piece will most likely bring back all those pleasant feelings, but let’s hope all the pieces from now on will last much longer.

So obviously I shouldn’t care anymore, but there will probably be parts that will resurface. The pain  will perhaps go away one day. I’ll be able to look back and laugh at all this.

I keep that faith, after all, it's my middle name. One thing I will say though is that with the supposedly comforting phrase of "time heals all wounds" I’d like it to happen already.