Over the last several years, life has been rather challenging and I'll honestly say that not every day is great, but I am learning to cope. It's a slow process and if you've been reading my blog, you're getting a glimpse into some of what I've had to deal with, both with physical pains and emotional ones, as well as all the different things I'm doing with trying to heal.
I think for many of us, we get those moments where we feel really useless, maybe not as a person, but due to the fact that we cannot be the ball of energy that we used to be. Dishes don't get done, laundry doesn't get put away, and trying to have a job never mind a thriving career seems futile because we just never know how we are feeling from day-to-day. There are moments when I feel like I am contributing nothing to my relationship and then I give my head a good shake, pop open this book, and realize that despite my issues, I'm awesome, just like you are incredible in your own way too!
This Love Book that Bill created to celebrate our 9 year anniversary back in September, reaffirms not only how much he loves and appreciates me, but that we complement each other wonderfully. A lot of the pages are personal and I tell you that tears well up in my eyes every time I read it!
Here it is, enjoy!
Love Book from Bill.
Custom Music: "Sunrise" by Bill Nuvo
If you want to create your own personalized lovebook for someone special, just follow the link here and get started: https://lovebookonline.com/
For those of us who have chronically tight muscles, do kegels help or harm our condition? Common sense tells me that if you try and tighten an already restrictive area, it will cause more tension, but others stress that some that have tight pelvic muscles also have weak areas, in which kegels assist in strengthening the pelvic floor overall.
The pain that a lot of us with PFD have can be excruciating at times. It's like a rubber band is tied to your abdomen, hips and pelvis and it won't let go. It's still a mystery as to what causes this. Some professionals in various fields of study state sexual abuse or other traumatic stressful events can contribute because many hold onto the pain and tighten up as defense or safety mechanism, others say it's an abnormality at birth, physical trauma, and the list goes on and on. Whatever the reason(s) may be, I know that this condition is physically and mentally draining.
I have good days and bad days. We take for granted simple every day occurrences like having a normal bowel movement or just putting on pants! Until you are not able to do these things properly, it doesn't really enter your mind. I miss the days of being able to wear tights or even a bathing suit. I haven't gone swimming in years and I used to love being in the water. Anything too tight against me feels like a knife. Sometimes I catch myself staring a little too long at women who are wearing cute leggings. I'm not a creep, I swear, i'm just envious of your abilities to wear what I can't.
After going through a plethora of testing, my last MRI came back all clear and so my gastro doc said that I should try physiotherapy again because based on my symptoms, my muscles are probably not contracting properly and I need the "internal" work. I am doing a number of other things, which I can discuss later in another blog.
I will say that finding someone who specializes in PFD here in Windsor, Ontario has been a struggle. I've scoured website after website and only found 2. I'm at a loss that if this is such a common condition, why aren't there more therapists offering the service in the area? Probably because most of us don't want to talk about it. When you have back/knee/leg pain, everyone gets it, but intimate areas, you kind of shy away from discussing. I get it, but maybe if we did talk more about this, we can educate others and reduce the number of misdiagnoses. I know when I look up London and the surrounding areas, and even as far as Toronto, i'm floored with the number of options available for both men and women!
I was told the Pelvic Floor Rehabilitation program includes the following:
"Treatments are both internal and external to completely evaluate the pelvic floor muscles as well as the surrounding joints ( pelvis, back and hip) and other muscles (gluts, IT band etc.). She also evaluates the abdominal muscles as this can lead to causing more pain and tightening of the pelvic floor muscles and transversus (abdominal muscles) if the smaller muscles are not firing properly."
I am hopeful with physiotherapy they can help me and get my body to an optimal level. It will take time, I know this, but i'm curious for their full assessment. A silly goal, but one that I have hoped for is to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees. Again, another thing that most people can do without hesitation, but for me, my body says "nope, sorry Mel, not going to happen." I try to challenge my mind, but it can be stubborn as a mule.
I am certainly learning more about my body than ever before, which is a good thing. The mind/body connection is strong. I know that movement is very important. Learning to live with limitations has been very difficult, as I used to be such a different person. I also want to gain weight because throughout this ordeal over the last while, my eating patterns have been complicated. There are so many "weight loss" programs but I never ever see anything for healthy weight gain for those who are petite like me.
Again, it seems like everyone has the answers for weight loss and we empathize, but the moment someone is approached asking how they can gain weight, you get the snickers and rolled eyes. We're cast aside because we don't have problems like those who are obese, we're not "real" women anyhow. Size 0's don't matter. I don't go out my way to ostracize or belittle you, but you can do that to me? I love how the shaming goes. I love the hypocrisy.
Such a disgraceful meme, but with a pretty awesome response:
TRUTH
From my experience, very few can suggest gradual weight gain that doesn't involve drinking enormous amounts of protein shakes and eating stacks of perogies and fattening high caloric foods. So you go from one extreme to the other, feeling just as miserable or even more so, adding on other health issues that go along with being overweight! Anyhow, I digress, but that is a topic which really aggravates me to no end.
With chronic conditions, we're very hypersensitive to a lot of sensations throughout our bodies. I can feel digestive distress far more than the average person and when I have spasms and no one else can feel them, it makes me wonder, is this all in my head? I try to shake that thought because no, it's not all in my head. Yes, stress exacerbates the symptoms, but my pain is damn real and it hurts.
So that's where we are on my health journey! I truly appreciate all the support. I will update again soon.
*Note: with pdf, you can have the opposite and experience very weak muscles, especially after child-birth. I am only discussing the condition as it applies to those who have chronic tightness
Talking to Lucy the night before she was going in for her Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG), she was relatively calm. Washing her hair with baby shampoo, as advised, brought her back to a time where she truly felt nurtured. “I felt like I was a new-born baby, being gently caressed and protected, without a care in world,” stated Lucy.
The next day, I was out of the house around 8:30 am to meet up with Lucy for her appointment at 9 am. I must say that having staff that are friendly can make a world of difference, especially to those who suffer from a variety of conditions. The simple “hello” is often taken for granted and I wish that more places were so reassuring and caring. The receptionist had a smile on her face and even though she could have been having the most miserable start to her day, she treated Lucy like a person, not just another number. It was awesome to see.
So what is QEEG? Digital technology is used to measure electrical patterns at the surface of the scalp (called brain mapping), not the structure (like in an EEG), which reflect cortical electrical activity or what is known as “brain waves.”
In a nutshell, it’s an assessment tool that clinicians use to detect and identify areas of dysregulation in a person’s brain. So if you’re suffering from sleep problems, emotional or even behavioural difficulties, this helps to understand the cause of symptoms and ultimately puts a plan of action in place to get you back on track.
Next, a full statistical analysis is done comparing the person’s brain wave profile to the norm for his/her age and gender. This is where stats is handy and the dreaded course that everyone wants to avoid taking at university. However, in this scope of work, it’s a must.
The concept is interesting and according to Lucy, all the electrodes that were hooked up to her head, “made her feel like Frankenstein’s monster.” She also said that, “we joked about putting my photo on Facebook.”
When I asked Lucy about any discomfort, she said that it wasn’t painful at all, the baby shampoo just allowed for the electrodes to activate and function on the screen properly, since any other shampoo contains problematic chemicals that could interfere. She just had to follow some specific tasks, but a majority of the process kept her in a relaxed state.
It also helped that she was told what would go on every step of the way, a little background history on the procedure, and of course, some comic relief to lighten the mood. If she needed to stop for any reason, she was welcomed to. With two clinicians in the room making sure everything was accurate and running smoothly, the whole session took about an hour. “It’s great to find people who genuinely want to see me get better,” said Lucy.
After the session, Lucy seemed to be in fine spirits. Unfortunately, her post-traumatic stress seems to come back at very random times. Sometimes it’s the abuse she suffered from for countless years, other times, it’s the medical trauma she’s endured. It takes a toll on her physical and mental wellbeing, not to mention her loved ones.
“I keep trying to push forward and not let all these memories consume me, but sometimes it’s a losing battle and I just want to scream, but the only thing I can do is cry,” she says.
It took quite a few days to settle her down and so I wanted to give her all the support and time she needed. She’s still pretty on edge in general, but trying to do her best to realize that she’s not going to be abandoned and no matter what, as Maroon 5′s song goes, “She will be loved.”
It takes several hours to analyse the results and then compile everything for discussion, so Lucy will be back next week to figure out the results and where to go from here.
If you think that The Blind Side is just another sports-related movie about what society deems as a “nobody” turning into a “somebody,” I beg you to reconsider your opinion. There are not a lot of movies that will make you cry right off the bat, just by looking at a face, but for some reason Quinton Aaron is able to convey such sadness that your heart begins to ache for him and his devastating situation.
The film is based on the true story of Michael Oher, a homeless teenage boy, haunted by the ghosts of his past, who is trying to just figure out where he will sleep from night to night. Sandra Bullock plays the role of Leigh Anne Touhy; a devoted mother/wife/career woman, who takes Michael under her wing to transform his life into something that he never thought was possible. However, even with a promising future ahead, Michael’s fate as a pro-football star is put on the line, as he battles with the feeling that he was chosen to be part of the Touhy family for the wrong reasons.
The Blind Side is one of the most memorable and uplifting films that I've had the pleasure to watch. Seeing Michael’s smile light up is like the beacon of hope for humanity.
There are many scenes that are really touching, especially the first time that Mrs Touhy shows Michael his new room.Being naive because of all the luxuries that she has been blessed with, the simple words uttered “ I've never had a bed before” bring a tear to your eye. Surrounding him with all sorts of materialistic things, you could tell that Michael would give it all up, just to be loved.
The film has a serious side, but that doesn't mean there isn't room for some laughs too. Although the son and daughter are clearly educated and wealthy suburban white kids, they possess unconditional love and support for Michael in every aspect. They were raised right and can look beyond the colour of a person’s skin.
As the movie went on, you could see the change in attitude as they witnessed Michael excel in his studies against all odds and began playing like a rock star on the football field. Maybe it wasn't done in a way that everyone else could follow on the team, but the bond that developed between him and Mrs Touhy proved that learning takes on many forms with successful results. Instead of belittling comments, he was finally part of something, bigger than himself.
I also liked the role of Kathy Bates, as Michael’s personal academic tutor. She was strict but underneath the rough exterior, she saw his potential and a friendship developed.
This was one of the best roles for Sandra Bullock. She was so confident with the right amount of feistiness to really play up the seemingly perfect All-American supermom. Realistically, I don’t think the average family would be able to bend the rules and slide through the red tape so easily, but when you have wealth and power, this is a prime example of what little random acts of kindness can be done.
In the end, you can take so many valuable lessons from this film. The most important one I took away was that when you make the decision to change someone else’s life for the better, you end up changing yours as well.
This was taken in 2005, when I went with my mom to see Erasure in Toronto
at Massey Hall for the Nightbird Tour!
It was a toss-up between seeing Erasure in September or waiting for VNV Nation in December (which is actually very close to my birthday-hint hint hint!!). However, weighing the pros and cons, Erasure won out. Tickets were not too badly priced and I've been working my tail off, so I think I deserve something special. I am super excited about seeing them for the second time now! I realize that Andy Bell probably won't be prancing around in sequin tops and glittery underwear, but i'm sure the show will still be amazing!
They have so many wonderful songs that pull on my heart strings or just make me want to get up and dance; Make Me Smile (Come up and see me), A Little Respect, Oh L'Amour, Always, Solsbury Hill (Peter Gabriel cover) and the list goes on. No matter what though, I Bet You're Mad At Me remains my absolute favourite. Everything from the lyrics to the simplistic sound to the intense emotion, I remember when it first came out, I made my parent's ears bleed because I kept the song on repeat playing in my bedroom. LOL I guess that's just another "Melissa quirk."
There is nothing worse in life than suddenly losing someone you love, and in the movie Reign Over Me, for Charlie (played by Adam Sandler) he is grief-stricken by the loss of his beloved wife and three children after the September 11th attacks. They are memories he would rather bury deep within than ever acknowledge again.
Continuing to live in denial and isolation, Charlie meets his old College friend Alan played by Don Cheadle, who is dissatisfied with his career, his inability to connect with his wife/kids and life in general. Alan begins to find happiness again and a real purpose as his friendship with Charlie deepens but soon realizes he must do whatever it takes to not give up on someone who has already given up on himself.
Whether you actually mourned the loss of someone close to you during September 11th, or just felt compassion towards those whose lives were forever changed that day, this is a movie you will never forget.
I couldn’t have asked for a better pairing as the bond between Alan and Charlie never seemed forced. They were both genuinely committed to their roles. Adam Sandler is mostly well-known for comedic films, but he certainly proves that his talents are not limited to one genre. I also thought that although he only had a very brief part, Donald Sutherland as the judge gave a great performance.
Overall, an inspiring movie that really shows how someone can come back into our lives after years of absence and still help to transform us even in times of crisis.
In the movie,Fugitive Pieces, the innocence of a child is broken when a young Jewish boy living in Poland named Jakob (young-Robbie Kay) witnesses his family killed by Nazis. In his efforts to escape, Jackob is rescued by an Archeologist named Athos (Rade Serbedzija) who raises him. As the years go by, Jakob (older-playing by Stephen Dillane) is still haunted by painful memories and is consumed with finding out what happened to his beloved sister, Bella. (played by Nina Dobrev-well known for her lead role in the hit teen drama: Vampire Diaries)
The entire movie is very well directed and every emotion is captured so exquisitely with brilliant performances all around. The poetic narration expressed at the beginning shows the desperation of putting the pieces together and the mental exhaustion that seems to ruin any potential for a real romantic attachment for Jakob.
Although this movie does have brooding moments, the bond between Jakob and Athos is heartwarming and genuinely portrayed. There is an enormous amount of passion during certain scenes that just bring you to tears.
As an unexpected visitor appears, Jakob's thoughts of despair are challenged as the feelings that he has been yearning for are no longer buried so deeply in his mind as healing seems possible again.
The Band’s Visit was unable to win best foreign film at the Oscars since the dialogue had more than 50% English. It didn’t meet the criteria and therefore was disqualified. This decision caused a lot of controversy.
At least this movie has been acknowledged and supported elsewhere because it is such a unique piece of work, at least in my opinion!
The story revolves around a police band from Egypt, who are asked to travel to Israel to perform at an Arab Cultural Center. Thinking they are on the right track, the eight men take the wrong bus and end up in a small isolated Israeli village. They are not welcomed with open arms at first but there is definitely a bond that develops over the course of time especially between two of the characters, one named Dina (Ronit Elkabetz) who is clearly more aggressive than the band's leader, Tawfiq (Sasson Gabai) who keeps himself at a distance.
Through the subtle pace of the film, there is a realization of the cross-cultural barriers starting to break down, but there is still is that underlying tension and uncertainty that lingers in the body language of the characters.
Overall, there were definitely a lot of funny and tender moments, showing how similar we actually are, no matter where we come from.
Well this is my first official blog and you may be wondering why on earth I would start it on January 6, 2009 instead of the beginning of the New Year. I guess today’s events which I will fill you in about soon enough, provoked that urge to start one.
So my question to everyone reading this: is love like a piece of Doublemint gum? In front of me, I have a piece of spearmint gum. It’s wrapped up perfectly in its packaging, without a single fray to the edge, tear or crease along the paper. When I pick it up, I gently bring my nose close and sniff. The mint aroma is quite potent and even a little overpowering at first, but the idea of chewing a fresh, new piece of gum is quite exhilarating. The touch of the foil between my fingers feels like a sensation I’ve never even experienced before. I open it up enthusiastically, popping that single piece into my mouth, hoping that it will last forever.
As I’m chewing, I’ll tell you that my day started out just fine and you know that feeling when you are in a good mood, suddenly you get this unexpected surprise that just completely knocks the wind out of you? Well, that's probably an understatement of how I felt until I opened up the newspaper to be greeted by a face I never thought I would have to see again.
Maybe I could say that I felt like a child realizing that Santa Claus actually didn’t exist and their mother or father was actually the one eating those cookies and warm milk. Damn all those carefully constructed letters to the North Pole!
I don’t know how to explain it properly or exactly how I felt, but at that moment, all the hurt just came flooding back to me. I know that my healing process has been considerable and if only the spirits were kind enough to give me a fair warning so I could have prepared! I guess the joke was on me. Haha…
My original piece of gum that was really soft and making my mouth happy is now getting a bit more difficult to chew and I’m needing to use way more effort now to get the same feeling I had before. It can’t go away this quickly.
So I think I was mentioning that I was dreaming and what I saw was clearly a figment of my imagination, right? I only wish. It was smack dab right in front of me and I just tore up the paper into a million pieces in a sudden fit of rage and threw it in the garbage.
The effort I was using for this gum is not helping much but I continue to chew, hoping it will get better with time. The minty flavour will return, it has to, I’ll just try harder.
After that brief shock, I was able to actually take some time away and have a plentiful lunch. Carbs are a girl’s best friend, screw the diamonds. I’m an emotional eater but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still around.
Then the paranoia set in of will I actually see them in person now? Maybe I shouldn’t ever leave the house again to avoid feeling the pain. I could just have meals delivered to me, shop online for necessities and do distance education classes. Then I had a second to realize how absurd I’m being.
Unrequited love is painful but this went way beyond anything in my wildest dreams, or rather nightmares.
My gum is now stale and I’m ready to toss it away. It kills me to even remember those good moments of chewing, so I rather forget it all. I just want to get rid of this gum for good. I’m happy that I have switched brands, and have the potential of finding a new flavour even. Opening up a new piece will most likely bring back all those pleasant feelings, but let’s hope all the pieces from now on will last much longer.
So obviously I shouldn’t care anymore, but there will probably be parts that will resurface. The pain will perhaps go away one day. I’ll be able to look back and laugh at all this.
I keep that faith, after all, it's my middle name. One thing I will say though is that with the supposedly comforting phrase of "time heals all wounds" I’d like it to happen already.
