The A-HA moment!

 

"Heard it from a friend who...heard it from a friend who....heard from another you’ve been ..."

If you’re familiar with the classic song Take It On The Run by REO Speedwagon, you’ll know the damage that rumours can do to someone. It can ruin their professional reputation, personal life, and have a devastating ripple effect.   Still, people believe what they want to, without even a bat of an eyelash. You can show someone all the facts, all the proof, and they'll turn a blind eye.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to question someone’s integrity or intentions, especially when I’m told something that sounds so convincing and true. However, my rational brain (truly thankful for my husband who continues to help me so much with becoming a more rational person instead of letting my emotions carry me away) tells me s-t-o-p for a minute and sure enough, everything my heart wants to believe so badly is a lie, a filthy lie.  It can be heart-wrenching at times, and wrestling with the consequences of knowing. Our brains are fascinating but known to play tricks on us all the time. 

My Epiphany

I have cried more during this pandemic, out of frustration, anger,  sadness, loneliness, betrayal, the whole gamut, and it’s mainly because I wanted control over what deep down I knew I couldn’t ever control. We are all responsible for our own actions, an apology is meaningless unless you actually acknowledge your part and leave out the unhelpful  “but” response.  Hardly anyone knows how to do that, and if they do, I am the first person to give them a high five, well a virtual high five at the current time, but you get my drift.

I think the treatment we choose to accept in any part of our lives, really does hold a certain level of power. If we allow others to harm us, we lose confidence in our abilities, we lose a bit more of ourselves, and we get bitter and vengeful.  This in turn says to our body, ALERT ALERT, and our cortisol spikes and sets us up for acute issues that can definitely turn into chronic conditions.  Living proof of that.

Enlightenment came to me when I realized that it is equally healthy to accept or not accept an apology. There should be no guilt attached. Like everyone else, I am really under no order to proceed with a relationship, a friendship, a business contact, or whatever the case may be. Why? Because I set my limits, and it's finally about me, instead of worrying about what everyone else's expectations are. The only thing we can control is our reaction to what this world throws at us, and that is ultimately what gives me back my power, and maybe you too. 

One thing I will hold onto very dearly in 2022 is this quote from Mark Twain, which says it all:

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

💕Happy holidays to my readers, and I'll see you back here in 2022.  

Mental Health: Pushing forward into the unknown.

It’s been a strange past few months. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something has felt very off. Maybe I could blame the cosmos. What happens to us when our heart flutters, our mind races and sleep becomes disruptive? I feel like maybe at some points each of us could be extras on The Walking Dead. No need to worry though, it's just our friendly neighbour anxiety; the growing epidemic plaguing us all. 

The horrible feeling that creeps up when you think you finally have a grasp on this thing called life, only to have you catapult into a mess of over-exaggerated emotional turmoil and physical discomfort that make you wonder if something is seriously wrong.

Why do we really try when we know that we're going to fail miserably, or at least that’s what our mind tells us.  Oh and yes let's beat ourselves up and never give credit for accomplishing huge hurdles. I think we all want the same things in life and to surpass unfortunate visitors who try to claim our well-being. "They taught you lessons in life.” Yeah, I don't think we needed the lessons, I never needed them, but you can't always get what you want. These experiences can make us more hyper-vigilant sometimes to perceived threatening situations. I believe learning to become resilient is one of the best tools for our mental-health toolbox, but one that is very hard to acquire without constant modification.

Don't we all just want someone to love us?  To find someone who is proud of us, and won't hide us from the rest of the world. The beautiful life is and will always be subjective, but the desire to look forward to growing old gracefully in each other’s arms seems comforting and not all that far-fetched. However, in the flux of self-loathing and self-empowerment, it's like we ask for too much, yet settle too long for much too little.  We live with those painful scars, the fleeting moments of happiness, and that constant whisper that we are never good enough for anything or anybody.

Then we have friendships. Sometimes we build long-lasting connections and other times, we grow apart. The growing envy takes over as you see others who have held onto friendships since their childhood or even high school years, while you cannot even keep a gold fish alive for more than a few months. For some of us, we make the conscious effort to avoid taking graduation photos for the year book and our silhouette on the page has the caption underneath "missing in action." Why even bother attending graduation either, just to put on a smiling face, hug everyone and share all the wonderful memories that never happened? Yep, we are not all hypocrites.

Even in adulthood now, it’s the same drama, people are just older, more jaded, less educated, and popping out kids they regret, with the only consolation of getting into a drunken stupor to forget how pathetic their lives really are. Talk about soul-draining.  Then you get the phony bologna's who are sweet to your face, act like their lives are perfect, and back-stab you in the worst possible ways. We love them dearly (note my dripping sarcasm) because we strive not to ever be like them.

My trust meter is low and so I have disconnected myself a bit in order to process all the thoughts and feelings and to allow much needed rest and space.

"Love is like a barren place, and reaching out for human faith is like a journey I just don't have a map for." - Savage Garden-To The Moon And Back

September passed, then came October, followed now by November. Maybe we are all going through an existential crisis and not aware of it. The feelings could be very subtle or just take hold tightly and our fight-flight response is in limbo. It will pass, just like hours in a day.

I’m turning 36 years old in a few weeks, and I feel like life has passed me by.  Feelings though don't equal facts, which is often a tough pill to swallow. In reality, I know that I have accomplished a lot so far and will continue to make strides, even if they are itty bitty ones right now.  It may not be the same accomplishments that other people can gloat about, but my achievements and sacrifices do mean something.

I don't think we should ever hide who we are.  I know that the only limits I have are the ones that I put on myself. It's a long and daunting process to begin again, but well worth it.  I'm trying to explore, live more freely and make life purposeful on my own terms.

The wavering support that one may get in life shouldn't be diminished.

Thanks for reading.

Signed, sealed, delivered, i'm Yours: Review of Fifty Shades Of Grey

So last night I watched the erotic and steamy film; Fifty Shades of Grey. It was directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson and written by Kelly Marcel and E.L. James. The desire was mainly out of curiousity and to see what all the hoopla was about. So, I decided that I would write a short review on my thoughts.  It's been a while since my last update of anything that was unrelated to my family. A dose of fantasy had to come to the forefront though because sometimes reality is just too overwhelming.

The story itself kept my interest, as well as the on-going psychological games that both characters play with each other, perhaps very calculated or just out of human nature. As controlling as Christian is, Ana is no angel or sweetheart either, so the poor innocent virgin who gets manipulated by the wealthy dominant - not buying it. I'm not quite convinced that he's truly the most abusive and despicable human being.

Hold on! Before you think i'm insensitive to the nature of abuse, trust me, i'm clearly no stranger to it, but I think there is a real misunderstanding when you are used to a regular coupling (maybe you occasionally tie your partner up or have some dom/sub fetish play) to a serious arrangement which is based on a contractual relationship with consent along the way. It is imperative to understand that your purpose is to serve your Master, as he/she sees fit. You give up the power and surrender body,mind and soul, which Ana didn't fully do, but that seemed to excite Christian the most. She's a challenge, but he has the ace; taking her virginity.

You also get rewarded (as in the film, Ana got a new laptop and Christian bought her a brand new car for her submissiveness and to, of course, to show her the "good" life). Even when genuine moments of affection and love seep in, you can still feel that emotional distance take over Christian. The balance is tricky. No doubt, Christian has some major issues, but he's the boss, applesauce. It's a interesting dynamic going on, at least from the movie's perspective.

I have yet to read the trilogy of 50 Shades Of Grey, by author E.L James, to see how things progress. I liked the ending though because it really makes you feel so many different emotions on "what could be."

I didn't really feel the electric chemistry that should have been there. Some of the intimate scenes were well done, but if you don't invest in the couple on screen, it's difficult, at least for me, to feel anything more than a brief tingle. Acting-wise, i'd chalk it up to Magic Mike; absolutely awful. The dialogue lacked and at times, I went to check my e-mail, when Ana and Christian were having a long, drawn-out conversation.

I am intrigued enough to see the next film. Perhaps my feelings may dramatically change and i'll want to yell profanities at the screen, seeing how awful Christian really is, but for now, my opinion remains unchanged.

Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm Yours.

Hot Docs: Sleepless in New York

Love is a complicated emotion that makes us do crazy things. Sometimes we are so in love that we forget ourselves. We may sacrifice our well-being and devote all our attention and energy for the hope that we’ll be loved back. When the break-up happens though, we are completely lost and left alone with only our ill thoughts of feeling like it’s the end of the world and what the hell did we do wrong to deserve this?

In the documentary, Sleepless in New York, directed by Christian Frei, we get to view broken-hearted test subject, Alley Scott, through a brief interview, followed by an MRI to understand the profound effects that rejection has on us on many levels. It was interesting to note that when you are rejected, someone could spend up to 85% of the day thinking about that person.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, studies the brain circuitry of romantic love and has coined the term “frustration attraction.” It’s when the dopamine system doesn't get what it wants, and tries even harder. So, despite all best intentions, you love who dumped you even more. It seems a bit sadistic, doesn't it?

This documentary has an extremely melancholy feel to it which suits the subject matter rather well. It does have an artistic side as well, displaying a variety of people on a busy New York subway in slow-motion. They are obviously dealing with loss, in some form or another. There is also a lot of narration from the three main people: Alley Scott, Michael Harington, and Rosey La Rouge, who intimately share their stories and don’t hold back from revealing their emotional turmoil while trying to deal with life as a single person.

At times you want to give them a big, comforting hug, and sometimes you want to shake them and say forget about that $h!t!

If you’re in a situation where you've been rejected and are looking for a few healthy coping tips, it has been suggested that the best way thing to do is to get that person out of your head entirely. This includes removing the person from all your contact lists, getting rid of photos, e-mails, old love letters, and anything that sparks a reminder or memory. Time for a clean-slate. Treat yourself well (often termed as ‘self-care’), and go out and do new things. Get a hobby or hang out with supportive friends.

It’s not an easy road when you love someone and they throw your heart away. I think we've all been there.

The connection can be so strong that it almost seems impossible to pull away. You will go to any length for one last chance, even if that means stalking that person by driving by their house multiple times a night, showing up all the time at places with the hope that your ex will be there, checking their Facebook page hundreds of times per day, and more extreme behaviours.

As we continue this path of self-destruction, we lose a little more of ourselves each and every day.

Moving on can feel impossible, no matter if you have known someone for just a single day or if you've gone as far as actually starting to build a life together. For these three tortured souls in Sleepless in New York, and really for the rest of us in the world who may be mending a broken-heart, rest assure that there is some truth to the old adage that time heals all wounds.

Alternative Therapies: Lay Your Hands On Me

Before I mention anything about the treatment of Reiki, let me first address that I fully realize that some people have strong convictions that this is all hoopla; not only Reiki but acupuncture and many other types of holistic practices. I do acknowledge that some techniques that are used today can be misrepresentations because of bold and false claims, alongside of the potential to damage a person’s physical and mental state of mind.




Ying-Yang the balance of the Life
Pic of me taken by Ty B Photography

While talking to my dad one day, I asked him, how do I know if any of this stuff works or not? It is not  like taking a pill and having your headache go away or taking  a cough medicine and then stop coughing.  He told me that he had the same question and mentioned that to his acupuncturist.

“How do I know if this is working or not?”

“Do you feel better after your session?”

“Yes I do.”

“Then your question is answered.”

Convincing a person to see the world through his eyes or my eyes would be impossible, just as an explanation that everything he felt or what I’ve experienced is strictly due to the placebo effect (defined as: “the beneficial effect in a patient following a particular treatment that arises from the patient’s expectations concerning the treatment rather than from the treatment itself”) wouldn’t hold very much ground for either one of us in certain circumstances.

Founded by Dr. Mikao Usui, a Buddhist, Reiki originated in Japan and is an art form of healing using gentle touch by one’s hands. The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words – Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy”. So together, Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.”

Reiki treats the entire person, including the body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many positive effects, which include and not limited to: relaxation, peacefulness, security and well-being. Combined with other medical or therapeutic techniques are said to help in recovery from a variety of illnesses.

Treating me as a ‘whole’ person gave me many options with my treatment program at Beaumont Hospital. The integrated approach that they provide at the Women’s Urology Center sat very well with me because healing for me is not only in the physical sense. I realize that my mind and body need to be in sync again.  So they offer two complimentary sessions of Reiki for their patients to try out and so I took advantage of one appointment this last week.

I will not spoil the intimate and sacred practice by telling you everything that was done during my session by my Reiki practitioner, because if you do decide to try this, I’d like you to experience this as you were meant to. I will mention that she told me that every person is different though, and so for some they do not feel anything and others are the opposite.

From my encounter, I will say that I did feel a plethora of sensations as her hands positioned across different sections of my body and as I felt her light touch on my skin. At certain times, as my eyes were closed, I did see painful memories and felt a lot of intense and tingling feelings rush through my body. When I opened my eyes, I realized we were done. I felt relaxed and rather in a state of sedation or maybe even some kind of deep trance. It was peculiar but also comforting at the same time that I could be so present in the moment, without even realizing it.

What did she feel? My mind was beautiful and energy was flowing freely there, however in one part of my body, there is no energy at all. She would imagine because I feel pain, there would be a lot of energy going on, but there was nothing. My body is holding onto memories which are coined as “body memories” and actually something similar that I was told before by another person.

Everything she said was true and although I realize that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure me out based on being a patient at a women’s center. However, I felt she was genuine and really committed and focused on the experience that she just shared with me.

Would I do Reiki again? At this time, no. It was too intense for me. Perhaps that’s the point of getting to the “heart of the matter” so to speak, but I’m not ready to tear down all the walls at once. It has to be gradual and maybe for someone else it would be just the right amount. I did feel very calm and relaxed afterwards, and so I think I did receive some benefits.

Reiki is practiced all over the world and I know there are many individuals here in Windsor who offer the service, some don’t just use their hands but crystals, stones and other objects. So whether you try it out here or go over to the States, just go in with an open mind and heart and allow your practitioner to do the rest. Please be advised if any person claims to "cure" you, walk out the door.

I do like some of the philosophies behind Reiki though and so part of this quote resonated with me.  I leave you with these beautiful words that I somewhat try to incorporate into my daily life now and hope you will too.

Just for today
Do not anger
Do not worry and be filled with gratitude
Devote yourself to your work
Be kind to people.
Every morning and evening, join your hands in prayer.
Pray these words to your heart
and chant these words with your mouth
Usui Mikao  

Dating: 7 Months

It's an exciting time, we're now reaching 7 months of dating. 

From one of my favourite movies; Adventures in Babysitting!

Then He Kissed Me

First Date Advice

~ Patti Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker

Dating is tough especially as you get older and realize that you may not be the catch you were in your youth! I’ve read a lot of dating books over time and some advice has been really helpful in general and in my personal life, while other tips have gone in one ear and out the other. 

There’s no magical formula to making sure you don’t get your heart broken, but what I’ve learned is that the idea of dating doesn’t have to be as nail-biting as one may think. It can actually be a lot of fun, even if there is no chance for a second encounter, you just have to be in the right mind-set. So I’ve created some guidelines that I feel are essential for a good dating experience and can be beneficial for anyone, at any stage of life.

Rule Number 1
Wear some sexy underwear.  If there’s some sparks, you might get a chance to show them off later. I tell you, even if there is no attraction to your date whatsoever, you’ll still feel good and smiling on the inside!

Rule Number 2
When out on a date, make sure you smell good! If the person you are sitting across or next to smells like week old socks or an ashtray, this is a turn off. I know I'm out of there before the waiter can say "May I take your order?|

Rule Number 3
If you’re going to be late, CALL! The worst thing you can do is show up late without a valid excuse. It’s a terrible first impression. 

Rule Number 4

Be your authentic self. No one likes an imposter and eventually you'll be found out.  

Rule Number 5
Don't play games. If you hit it off, you will be seeing each other again relatively quickly. There is no reason why you wouldn’t. . I don’t care how busy your schedules are, if you want to see someone again, you’ll find a way, even if that means a 5 am breakfast.

There is only room for one chance, well, okay, maybe two, but still don’t waste your time and energy on someone who can’t be bothered to go that extra mile for you at the beginning. It’s a wake-up call of what your future will be like.

As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just have to be careful on what you catch or what tries to catch you.