Break The Cycle: He Won’t Buy You Flowers Anymore

Photo by Melissa F. Arditti

There is a time and a place for everything and so let me preface by saying that this blog is not meant to discourage anyone from buying a bouquet of flowers for their loved one or slamming the notion that the purchase of flowers equates abuse.

This is only through the words of a survivor on what it feels like being in an abusive situation and the symbolism of what “flowers” can represent.

It is well-known that males (and to be inclusive - as well as those who identify as something else) experience abuse too in many different forms. Specifically for men, it is often under-reported and many feel ashamed from a societal point of view to ever come forward. It is slow change to break the stigma that men are still viewed as “disposable.”  They are not and need protection as well.

This writing is from a female perspective. In the end, you can find the strength. You make the choice to leave and walk away, or you choose to give someone else the power and be carried away.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


He Won’t Buy You Flowers Anymore

The feeling of anxiety creeps up as another long day at work is now over. The familiar footsteps are heard, as the keys rattle the door, and you brace yourself because it all begins again.

You feel the quiver, as his lips touch your cheek.

"These are for you."

He hands you the most beautiful arrangement of flowers.

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I promise.”

He gives you that reassuring smile and you look up at him with doe eyes and in a split second, he has you hooked.

You believe him. He loves you. Everything this time will be okay.  He’s changed.

Another lonely night. He won’t call or text, or let you know when he’ll be home. You look at your flowers laying on the floor. You remember his words, they echo in your ears.

“You’re stupid.”
“You’re worthless.” 
“What good are you to me?”

You get down on both knees and start cleaning up the shattered glass vase he broke right in front of you. Tears stream down your face and for the first time now, you can feel the sting, the burn of his forceful slap against the cheek he kissed you on which seemed like only days ago.

He finally comes home.  You grow angrier. You muster the courage to tell him to leave and that you won’t put up with his behaviour anymore.

He begs you to stay and gets down on one knee and sobs uncontrollably. He tells you:

“It won’t happen again,  I’m really sorry.” 
“You can’t leave me. I’ll die without you.”

You forgive him.  He’ll change. He promised you.

You look in the mirror and notice your matching bruises. One starts to fade and another appears, and another and another... In the corner of your eye, you see another set of flowers. You close the bathroom light and go over to the vase and smell the aroma of fresh cut flowers. A note is attached:

“I’m sorry, I love you.”

The words I love you hit you like a ton of bricks. You feel validated and you know he’s sorry. This is just a rough patch, you’ll get through it. He’s a good person. Maybe you need to try harder.

That familiar voice inside your head screams out: Maybe you just need to leave.

Terrified he may find you.
Wishing things could go back to how they once were.
Scared of being alone.
No one to trust.
Afraid of not having anywhere to go. 

"It was the hope of all we might have been, that fills me with the hope to wish impossible things."

-The Cure, To Wish Impossible Things

You make the choice to listen and never look back.

Now they will finally hear you.

“Another ditch in the road, you keep moving. Another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years pass by so fast, wonder how I ever made it through.” 

- Savage Garden, Two Beds and a Coffee Machine

The act of giving or receiving flowers can represent a slew of positive emotions. When someone is sick, sunflowers can brighten their day, a big accomplishment deserves some and take note that even a simple apology might warrant your favourite flowers. There is also the notion of flowers for no reason, which can be a delight to somebody you appreciate, respect and love.

Flowers are not meant to be used as a manipulative tool but it is sadly a very common occurrence in many abusive relationships and if you’re a hopeful romantic, sometimes it is those small gestures that keep you hooked into the cycle. Those vibrant beauties are warped into representing ugliness and for the abuser, gives permission to physically or sexually assault, threaten the worth of the other person, and ultimately gain complete and total control so that you cannot ever leave. Crocodile tears are often part of the never-ending cycle that fills you full of guilt and willing to give yet another chance.

"You have no power over me!" Labyrinth

If you or someone you love is struggling with an abusive situation, here are some resources to help guide you in right direction. Note these are local resources to the Windsor-Essex area, but you can follow the links on the website to access information and find out how you can get assistance in your designated location.

https://www.wrh.on.ca/SADVTC

https://www.hiatushouse.com/services.html

https://windsoressex.cmha.ca/
24-Hour Crisis Line: 519-973-4435

Dating: You Said I Wasn't Your Kind, Only Here For The Ride

I recently met a man who told me that “the worst punishment anyone can be faced with in life is loneliness. We need air to breathe, food to keep our bodies working, and companionship to feel alive. He believed that “no man (or woman) is an island.” He didn’t mention anything about sex, which was very surprising, as it is human nature to have those needs, but I allowed him to continue.

“Sex is important in a relationship,” he blatantly told me. “To be intimate, to make love with another is a wonderful feeling, so don’t get me wrong there, but it’s not everything.” When he said “it’s not everything” those words seemed to echo in my head. “Having someone to share some good conversation with over a cup of coffee and to explore all the beauty that life has to offer together, holds more value in the end, my dear lady.”

I thought about all the people who have faced terrible illnesses and how amazing it was that their partner’s still stuck by their side. I’ve read stories of others who couldn’t participate any longer in sexual relations because of trauma and/or medical reasons, not only females, but males too. They wondered when their partner would leave or even have an affair due to that gap in the relationship. It’s often embarrassing and makes you feel like a solitary existence is easier on your heart.
I had hoped that someday there would be a dating service that offered companionship on a level that took out the physical component. You could hold hands or cuddle, but the rest was never really brought into the equation. It was almost like an unwritten rule that wasn’t discussed, sort of the way it’s known to stay away from topics like politics, sex, and religion on a first date.

Needless to say, a friend on Facebook posted a link to this site called Romance Only (formerly 2date4Love.com) The founder, Laura B. was diagnosed with Stage IV cervical cancer and after treatments found that her body no longer responded the same way as it did before, which made it a challenge to date. The site is geared towards people who are looking for love that doesn’t focus on the physical. It is about finding a compatible partner who respects and understands your decision that intimacy can be much more than what it initially is portrayed in the media and in society.

My only hope is that people will genuinely sign up and the fakes who prey on the vulnerable will just continue to browse the other dating sites and leave this one alone.

After reading more on the site, it appears to be a great resource for connecting with others who truly feel the way you do.

It really doesn’t matter what your story is. Everyone deserves to have someone special in their life to come home to and ask “hi honey, how was your day?” and to feel a warm embrace without the expectation that something else has to follow.

There are billions of people in the world, but finding that connection is far from easy. As my gentleman friend told me “you kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince and the one who stays through the worst times is worth keeping around for the better times ahead.”