Break The Cycle: He Won’t Buy You Flowers Anymore

Photo by Melissa F. Arditti

There is a time and a place for everything and so let me preface by saying that this blog is not meant to discourage anyone from buying a bouquet of flowers for their loved one or slamming the notion that the purchase of flowers equates abuse.

This is only through the words of a survivor on what it feels like being in an abusive situation and the symbolism of what “flowers” can represent.

It is well-known that males (and to be inclusive - as well as those who identify as something else) experience abuse too in many different forms. Specifically for men, it is often under-reported and many feel ashamed from a societal point of view to ever come forward. It is slow change to break the stigma that men are still viewed as “disposable.”  They are not and need protection as well.

This writing is from a female perspective. In the end, you can find the strength. You make the choice to leave and walk away, or you choose to give someone else the power and be carried away.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


He Won’t Buy You Flowers Anymore

The feeling of anxiety creeps up as another long day at work is now over. The familiar footsteps are heard, as the keys rattle the door, and you brace yourself because it all begins again.

You feel the quiver, as his lips touch your cheek.

"These are for you."

He hands you the most beautiful arrangement of flowers.

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I promise.”

He gives you that reassuring smile and you look up at him with doe eyes and in a split second, he has you hooked.

You believe him. He loves you. Everything this time will be okay.  He’s changed.

Another lonely night. He won’t call or text, or let you know when he’ll be home. You look at your flowers laying on the floor. You remember his words, they echo in your ears.

“You’re stupid.”
“You’re worthless.” 
“What good are you to me?”

You get down on both knees and start cleaning up the shattered glass vase he broke right in front of you. Tears stream down your face and for the first time now, you can feel the sting, the burn of his forceful slap against the cheek he kissed you on which seemed like only days ago.

He finally comes home.  You grow angrier. You muster the courage to tell him to leave and that you won’t put up with his behaviour anymore.

He begs you to stay and gets down on one knee and sobs uncontrollably. He tells you:

“It won’t happen again,  I’m really sorry.” 
“You can’t leave me. I’ll die without you.”

You forgive him.  He’ll change. He promised you.

You look in the mirror and notice your matching bruises. One starts to fade and another appears, and another and another... In the corner of your eye, you see another set of flowers. You close the bathroom light and go over to the vase and smell the aroma of fresh cut flowers. A note is attached:

“I’m sorry, I love you.”

The words I love you hit you like a ton of bricks. You feel validated and you know he’s sorry. This is just a rough patch, you’ll get through it. He’s a good person. Maybe you need to try harder.

That familiar voice inside your head screams out: Maybe you just need to leave.

Terrified he may find you.
Wishing things could go back to how they once were.
Scared of being alone.
No one to trust.
Afraid of not having anywhere to go. 

"It was the hope of all we might have been, that fills me with the hope to wish impossible things."

-The Cure, To Wish Impossible Things

You make the choice to listen and never look back.

Now they will finally hear you.

“Another ditch in the road, you keep moving. Another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years pass by so fast, wonder how I ever made it through.” 

- Savage Garden, Two Beds and a Coffee Machine

The act of giving or receiving flowers can represent a slew of positive emotions. When someone is sick, sunflowers can brighten their day, a big accomplishment deserves some and take note that even a simple apology might warrant your favourite flowers. There is also the notion of flowers for no reason, which can be a delight to somebody you appreciate, respect and love.

Flowers are not meant to be used as a manipulative tool but it is sadly a very common occurrence in many abusive relationships and if you’re a hopeful romantic, sometimes it is those small gestures that keep you hooked into the cycle. Those vibrant beauties are warped into representing ugliness and for the abuser, gives permission to physically or sexually assault, threaten the worth of the other person, and ultimately gain complete and total control so that you cannot ever leave. Crocodile tears are often part of the never-ending cycle that fills you full of guilt and willing to give yet another chance.

"You have no power over me!" Labyrinth

If you or someone you love is struggling with an abusive situation, here are some resources to help guide you in right direction. Note these are local resources to the Windsor-Essex area, but you can follow the links on the website to access information and find out how you can get assistance in your designated location.

https://www.wrh.on.ca/SADVTC

https://www.hiatushouse.com/services.html

https://windsoressex.cmha.ca/
24-Hour Crisis Line: 519-973-4435

KC Jockey: Wonder How I Ever Made It Through

“It will never happen again…I promise.”

“I was having a bad day.”

“You made me angry.”

“You’re worthless.”

You already know the statistics, yet domestic violence continues to escalate worldwide for many reasons, including the fact that a majority of abuse is never reported. Both men and women suffer sometimes for years in abusive relationships (physically, emotionally/mentally and spiritually) hoping that someday they will find a way out of their situation.

The worst part is that your friends and family see it, but you don’t. There always seems to be that inkling of hope that things will get better. Maybe it’s all your fault and if you need to try harder. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months drift into years and you’re still wearing those baggy clothes to hide those “Everything is okay, I was clumsy” bruises and/or trying to justify why you need “permission” to go out. Eventually, you succumb to the fact that this is how it will always be and you don’t deserve anything or anyone better.

While females are the focus of this article, males are also subject to many forms of abuse so no one is immune.

I can name a dozen musicians off the top of my head that have either experienced abuse or witnessed it. Music has a way of expressing our deepest pain through meaningful lyrics and also through the power of visual media.

An incredible artist, KC Jockey, born in Jamaica and now living in Brooklyn NY is on a mission to get people talking about domestic violence. After the tragedy of losing his mother, he created “Sweet Sadie Productions” in honour of her.

I felt very compelled to share his newest song “Girl You’re Free” with everyone. Yes, the title is self-explanatory, but the message needs to sink into all those wonderful women who need reminders that they can exist without their abusive partner. Life can begin again, better and brighter than ever before.

The video does pack an emotional punch for anyone who has seen a loved one or even gone through abuse. KC’s intentions are genuine and there’s no gimmick here to what he is trying to accomplish. After seeing what his mother went through and what countless numbers of women deal with every day, he has the highest respect for women. KC truly hopes that his on-going campaign “Say NO to Domestic Violence” will reach people and let them know that they are not alone and do have the strength to break the cycle of abuse. Freedom doesn’t always have to come at a deadly price.

The music video you can check out was shot in Atlanta by Yolande Geralds, a California director who has created videos for artists like Usher and Omarion.

After being in abusive relationships, it’s often difficult to get past the word “victim.” It almost feels like a jail sentence that you cannot escape from. What’s even harder to believe, if you’re fortunate to get away, is that you’re also a survivor, and as KC’s song states “Girl You’re Free.”