“Out of the Woods” by Taylor Swift resonates so much with me, mainly the chorus, especially right now.
I remember my first symptom: tingling thighs. Then came the onset of a burning, searing feeling every time I touched my skin. I knew that despite being vaccinated and boosted, plus wearing a mask everywhere, following all the other protocols, covid decided it was my time.
After a considerate amount of time in bed and isolation, my symptoms improved to some degree, but I have never felt the same since. It’s incredibly difficult to explain all the waxing and waning symptoms that I have come to realize now are part of the “long-hauler” crew.
My life has been re-visiting the medical circuit from panels of blood tests to EKG’s to make sure my little ticker is working the way it should.
I’m exhausted.
I know I am not alone, but I feel it often. The onset of depression hasn’t faded. Some days it gets pretty bad and I ask myself, what did I do wrong in this life to have this happen to me? My eyes fill with tears and I start to sob uncontrollably. I am told the answer though, I just have to get out of my emotional pain and accept the reality; It’s how life unfolds, no one is punishing me, I just exist. The biopsychosocial model also has a lot of insight too.
I’ve been pretty quiet over on social media. I scroll through my feed maybe once a day, but I can’t really muster the desire to be more interactive. Did anyone really want to read my social media posts about how I crave the day where I can maybe walk more than 5 minutes without my heart beating out of my chest or not having to sit in silence because certain sounds feel like it is penetrating through my skull? Doubtful.
After doing a lot of research, the link between Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Covid Long Haulers seems to have a connection. I was diagnosed many years ago with CFS, but it feels like it is just an umbrella term for many other overlapping conditions that leave many patients like me, without clear answers. Where can I get help?
It’s pretty scary at times with all the different symptoms, sometimes happening for days, other times, just a few hours. There is no consistency which is the hardest and most frustrating part of it all.
While I’m out here baring my soul, I also have PTSD. As much happiness as I have had, I’ve also had considerable bouts of traumatic events that led to my diagnosis. Another debilitating illness that waxes and wanes, but up until now, I was managing relatively well. I'm struggling now with it.
I’ve also refrained from saying much about what I’ve been going through, as I know a lot of stigma comes out from being “unwell”, but keeping it all in is truly hurting more than helping.
I am very thankful to have people in my life who may not exactly understand what I'm going through, but support me in whatever ways they can.
We all have our stories, I felt it was time to share another chapter of mine, and if you read up to this point, thank you.
