Tuesday, January 6, 2009

~That’s my real middle name, it’s always been the same…~

Well this is my first official blog and you may be wondering why on earth I would start it on January 6, 2009 instead of the beginning of the New Year. Well, I guess today’s events which I will fill you in about soon enough, provoked that urge to start one.

So my question to everyone reading this, is love like a piece of Doublemint gum? In front of me I have a piece of spearmint gum. It’s wrapped up perfectly in its packaging, without a single fray to the edge, tear or crease along the paper. When I pick it up, I gently bring my nose close and sniff. The mint flavour is quite potent and even a little overpowering at first, but the idea of chewing a fresh and new piece of gum is quite exhilarating. The touch of the foil between my fingers feels like a sensation I’ve never even experienced before. I open it up enthusiastically, popping that single piece into my mouth, hoping that it will last forever.

As I’m chewing, I’ll tell you that my day started out just fine and you know that feeling when you are in a good mood and suddenly you get this unexpected surprise that just completely knocks the wind out of you? Well, that's probably an understatement of how I felt when until I opened up the paper to be greeted by a face I never thought I would have to see again. Maybe I could say that I felt like a child realizing that Santa Claus actually didn’t exist and their mother or father was actually the one eating those cookies and warm milk. Damn all those carefully constructed letters to the North Pole! I don’t know how to explain it properly or exactly how I felt, but at that moment, all the hurt just came back to me. I know that my healing process has been considerable and if only the spirits were kind enough to give me a fair warning so I could prepare! I guess the joke was on me. Haha…

My original piece of gum that was really soft and making my mouth happy is now getting a bit more difficult to chew and I’m needing to use way more effort now to get the same feeling I had before. It can’t go away this quickly.

So I think I was mentioning that I was dreaming and what I saw was clearly a figment of my imagination, right? I only wish. It was smack dab right in front of me and I just tore up the paper into a million pieces in a sudden fit of rage and threw it in the garbage. I recall the time I took to empty the box I kept every single memory in and that cleansing night where I stood on my front steps and took a meat cleaver to anything that was given to me, especially the breakable gifts I scared the heck out of the neighbours and my family and I suppose I did wonder myself what on earth I was doing! However, this was the reaction to the only person who could make me so upset and angry to lunge a bar stool at him back in the day. I guess it seemed fitting. Silly me, I finally believed that the thousands of dollars in therapy was helping me move on and Eckhart’s Power of Now book transformed my thinking. Nope, here I am, back at the same f*c!ing place of distress.

The effort I was using for this gum is not helping much but I continue to chew, hoping it will get better with time. The minty flavour will return, it has to, I’ll just try harder.

After that brief shock, I was able to actually take some time away and have a plentiful lunch. Carbs are a girl’s best friend, screw the diamonds. I’m an emotional eater and although I’m one of those fast metabolism people who others loathe, comfort food still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still around. Then the paranoia set in of will I actually see him in person now? Maybe I shouldn’t ever leave the house again to avoid feeling the pain. I could just have meals delivered to me, shop online for necessities and do distance education classes. Then I had a second to realize how absurd I’m being. Why should I care about what I saw today? I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back. Two out of three ain’t bad. I’m not the first person to have this happen to and I won’t be the last.

My gum is now stale and I’m ready to toss it. It kills me to even remember those good moments of chewing, so I rather forget it all. I just want to get rid of this gum for good. I’m happy that I have switched brands, and have the potential of finding a new flavour even. Opening up a new piece will most likely bring back all those pleasant feelings but let’s hope all the pieces from now on will last much longer.

So obviously I shouldn’t care anymore, but there will probably be parts that will resurface. The pain that he caused me will perhaps go away one day. I’ll be able to look back and laugh at all this. I keep that faith, after all it's my middle name. One thing I will say though is that with the supposedly comforting phrase of "time heals all wounds" I’d like it to happen already.