Sunday, November 20, 2016

Pushing forward into the unknown.

It’s been a strange past few months. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something has felt very off. Maybe I could blame the cosmos. What happens to us when our heart flutters, our mind races and sleep becomes disruptive? I feel like maybe at some points each of us could be extras on The Walking Dead.  No need to worry though, it's just our friendly neighbour anxiety; the growing epidemic plaguing us all.  The horrible feeling that creeps up when you think you finally have a grasp on this thing called life, only to have you catapult into a mess of over-exaggerated emotional turmoil and physical discomfort that make you wonder if something is seriously wrong.

Why do we really try when we know that we're going to fail miserably, or at least that’s what our mind tells us.  Oh and yes let's beat ourselves up and never give credit for accomplishing huge hurdles. I think we all want the same things in life and to surpass unfortunate visitors who try to claim our well-being. "They taught you lessons in life.” Yeah, I don't think we needed the lessons, I never needed them, but you can't always get what you want. These experiences can make us more hyper-vigilant sometimes to perceived threatening situations. I believe learning to become resilient is one of the best tools for our mental-health toolbox, but one that is very hard to acquire without constant modification.

Don't we all just want someone to love us?  To find someone who is proud of us, and won't hide us from the rest of the world. The beautiful life is and will always be subjective, but the desire to look forward to growing old gracefully in each other’s arms seems comforting and not all that far-fetched. However, in the flux of self-loathing and self-empowerment, it's like we ask for too much, yet settle too long for much too little.  We live with those painful scars, the fleeting moments of happiness, and that constant whisper that we are never good enough for anything or anybody.

Then we have friendships. Sometimes we build long-lasting connections and other times, we grow apart. The growing envy takes over as you see others who have held onto friendships since their childhood or even high school years, while you cannot even keep a gold fish alive for more than a few months. For some of us, we make the conscious effort to avoid taking graduation photos for the year book and our silhouette on the page has the caption underneath "missing in action." Why even bother attending graduation either, just to put on a smiling face, hug everyone and share all the wonderful memories that never happened? Yep, we are not all hypocrites.

Even in adulthood now, it’s the same drama, people are just older, more jaded, less educated, and popping out kids they regret, with the only consolation of getting into a drunken stupor to forget how pathetic their lives really are. Talk about soul-draining.  Then you get the phony bologna's who are sweet to your face, act like their lives are perfect, and back-stab you in the worst possible ways. We love them dearly (note my dripping sarcasm) because we strive not to ever be like them.

My trust meter is low and so I have disconnected myself a bit in order to process all the thoughts and feelings and to allow much needed rest and space.
"Love is like a barren place, and reaching out for human faith is like a journey I just don't have a map for." - Savage Garden-To The Moon And Back
September passed, then came October, followed now by November. Maybe we are all going through an existential crisis and not aware of it. The feelings could be very subtle or just take hold tightly and our fight-flight response is in limbo. It will pass, just like hours in a day.

I’m turning 36 years old in a few weeks, and I feel like life has passed me by.  Feelings though don't equal facts, which is often a tough pill to swallow. In reality, I know that I have accomplished a lot so far and will continue to make strides, even if they are itty bitty ones right now.  It may not be the same accomplishments that other people can gloat about, but my achievements and sacrifices do mean something.

I don't think we should ever hide who we are.  I know that the only limits I have are the ones that I put on myself. It's a long and daunting process to begin again, but well worth it.  I'm trying to explore, live more freely and make life purposeful on my own terms.

The wavering support that one may get in life shouldn't be diminished.

Thanks for reading.